Imprisonment Amongst the Elves
by Lord22
Summary: Thirteen Dwarves and One Hobbit saw your Movie, Peter Jackson. And frankly, they don't care what you think about the necessity of adding an Elf Sue into the film. Disgression is the better part of creative license.


Chapter One:

Bilbo Baggins read the message from the Captain of the Guard. It had been left to him, offering a chance to escape. He read through it, and decided that he could not trust her. If she was being genuine, then she was neglecting her duties as Guard Captain in favor of helping a designated criminal escape. If she was trying to get him to ask for her help…

'Don't insult my intelligence, Ms Tauriel.' he thought to himself.

It truly was an insult to his intelligence, actually.

He had seen another person, one who dressed humble and held the Keys, and really seemed to do all the work and get none of the credit and he felt a certain amount of sympathy for the poor man. He didn't have any rank of real note, but he was the Captain of the Guard in all but name.

She just stood at the top of a high staircase, and rushed down to yell at him when he tried to take a break after doing work for her.

Then, considering that Bilbo liked her character even less than he liked her sense of responsibility, he burned the letter and went about seeking his own method out of the Elf Caves.

…

Thorin Oakenshield was old.

It was a depressing realization brought on by a chance to look in the mirror. His beard was white, and he had wrinkles. How many years had it been since he and his fellows had begun their endless journey? They were Nobles, the Dwarven equivalent of what humans might call Knights.

After years of traveling up, down and under all manner of places dark and wonderful, he had begun to realize that he was so tired.

When he had first met Bilbo Baggins, he had not been expecting much of him. Yet his request to hear it all 'plain and clear' had been of far more help than anyone could have realized.

The Dwarves made many songs, and yet only after Mr Bilbo Baggins had asked for it outright had they themselves begun to remember what those songs meant.

'I will die in battle.' He realized suddenly. 'I know this much. Perhaps not here, or far away, and with luck it will be with a battle of my choosing.

Yet if I am to die, don't burn me in the manner of Heathen Kings of Old. Bury me. Find the heart of the nearest mountain and lay me to rest there with whatever Weapon is rightfully mine.'

He did not know whom he was speaking to, or why, but his voice carried out far through the hollowed halls of beautiful things and carven wood to reach the ears of the Elf King himself.

…..

Kili felt a terrible derailing of his very spirit taking hold of him, and though he could not locate its source he now knew this was his most desperate hour. Bilbo was their only hope for escaping the halls of the Elf King.

You could not trust an Elf, much less a Captain of the Guard to be true to their word. The numberless bloody skirmishes between Elf and Dwarf had been unnamed and un-recounted, and had been behind much of their weakening.

He remembered that his Mother had been one to travel far afield, and once had recounted to him a tale where she had met a Spirit that no one could quite understand. He walked here and there, she had told him, and though he was very dangerous, he was perfectly content to ignore and be ignored.

Or just as much be friends.

And though she had not been sure it would work, she had taught him a rhyme to match:

Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,

By water, wood, and hill,

By the reed and the willow,

Come Tom Bombadil, harken now and hear us,

For our need is near us.

The words left his mouth from memory by reflex. And in truth he had no idea whether or not he had said them right at all. Or even if he had, would this Tom Bombadil really be able to hear his aid?

Would he even care?

…..

Tom Bombadil was taking a day off, and had most courteously slipped past the ordinary rules of the universe established to have a look around at the other places in the world.

He wore bright blue, and a cap of yellow, and had a beard white as snow and his step was significantly less jaunty than usual. For a certain darkness was creeping into those places, one that few indeed could pierce the veil of. Perhaps that was why he was so devoid of true happiness or joy at the moment.

It sounded silly, but there was nothing silly about it.

Something was terribly wrong, and then he heard the song he taught to those who were guests and only remembered when in great need. The guest in question had taught it to her son on her deathbed.

He remembered her. She had been lost in the Forest, and her leg had been caught by the rascal Old Man Willow. Now she was dead, and though such things were the way of the world it remained a bitter pill.

Then Tom Bombadil beheld, as it seemed to him, Tolkien rolling in his grave, and filled with wroth and despair he cast down the High Gates of the Elf Kings hall and stormed in with a severe and dreadful countenance.

Get out Legosue!

Vanish in the sunlight!

Lost and forgotten be!

Darker than Mirkwood!

By the authority of Tolkien!

By my cap and Old Man Willow!

I hereby relieve you of command and edit you from the movie!

And then, because he was dreadfully sick of the Elves looking pretty and obsessing over the fact, he turned the Woodelves into green skinned Orcish esque creatures for the remaining duration of the Hobbit, removed Legolas from the movie and got a competent song writer.

And that is the story of how Rankin Bass was able to construct the greatest Hobbit Movie. Of all time.

For his part, Tom Bombadil did not free the Dwarves. He left Bilbo Baggins to organize the escape himself, for he had already had the beginnings of a plan...

…


End file.
